12:47- Staring off into nowhere, counting down the seconds until 12:50 when my professor lets us out of class.
12:48- Receive a text message from my friend, who will be referred to as Snowbell, saying “Jerry Springer today. Free party bus. 1:00. Lets go.”
12:51- Sprint out of class to my car, speeding all the way home, debating which Boston sports shirt I was gonna be wearing, and which would I rather see, a midget jello wrestling tournament, or a “Pregnant, but don’t know who the baby daddy is” episode.
12:55- Snowbell texts me saying she’s outside my house. I have no idea what the deal is at this point.. but when I get a text that says anything along the lines of a free Maury, Jerry Springer, sporting event, concert, sandwich….really anything free at this point in my life…I’m going, no questions asked. Scrounged up all the alcohol I could find in my house, put on my USA shirt, after remembering no logos were allowed, and ran out the door.
1:05- We arrive at the Bus’ landing spot. So here was the deal: Snowbell’s friend from home, who is a year younger, rented a bus/reserved Jerry Springer seats for her other friend’s birthday, however, most of the people bailed, considering it was 1 oclock on a Monday. She texted Snowbell saying she could invite anyone, and I was the only one of our friends without class (who agreed to skip class.)
1:10- Snowbell and I are the last one’s on the bus…a bus full of dudes who all know each other. 4 girls, 22 guys. Rough estimate. And these guys were all hardos, with a couple Charlies mixed in. I really couldn’t tell if it was the first time they had ever seen beer before or not. I sucked it up, sat down, opened my tequila, and day dreamed about disabled hookers pulling each other’s weaves out.
1:50- Girl #1 passes out on the ground in between seats
1:57- Girl #2 starts puking in a Coors Light box, in the front of the bus, next to the driver, while holding my Iphone that was being used for music…
1:59- Hardo #1 consoles Girl #2….and starts to make out with her…
2:12- Snowbell and I finish the Tequila
2:13- We got the whole bus chanting JE-RRY JE-RRY JE-RRY JE-RRRY
2:30- Full blown bus dance party to my favorite song ever, 99 Luftballons
2:50- We arrive at JerryLand, and Girl #1 nor Girl #2 don’t get off the bus. Forgot to mention, Girl #1 organized this whole ordeal for Girl #2’s birthday
3:00- Get inside the “waiting room.” Mixed cultural group of about 100 people consisting of Brits, Hicks, UCONN tools, Californians, Old People, White People, Black People, Indian People, townies, burgahs, mushes, and even the cutest elderly couple, besides my grandparents, I’ve ever seen, waiting outside the studio for Jerry to finish filming the previous episode. The “MC” of the pregame show walks out and starts looking around for ways to entertain the people, and buy time.
3:04- Beard Contest. 1 tattooed 25 year old with a weak chin strap-mustache combo. 1 jacked, muscle tee, wearing dude with a full bushy beard. 1 really fat guy, with a long, feathery beard coming off his chin, almost down to his nips. And 1 seventy year old man with a beautiful white beard that would make Zeus blush. They all had about 45 seconds to display their beard, and Shmoney dance to that Bobby Shmurda song. Watching that old man shmoney, and shake his ass to the entire crowd, was a top 5 funniest moment of my college life.
3:45- The MC comes out again and starts up the Jerry Springer Quiz show, and for some reason, must be my beautiful green eyes, or my blonde lockes waving in the air conditioning, picks me to be a team Captain. Asks for my team name and without hesitation we were team Burgahs. I picked Snowbell, a couple other kids from the bus, and of course, that old bearded man for team Burgahs. They put us up against those tools from UCONN. One dude a four girls, and this kid could not be taking this contest more seriously. It was as if we were playing to be on the Jerry show, not to win a pair of $4 Jerry Springer Sunglasses. Anyway, we lost on some stupid question about what Jerry’s pigs name was….Who the FUCK names a pig Bella…
4:30- Finally let into the studio. Escorted by the Jerry Springer body guards, all the girls were put in aisle seats, while guys were shoved into the middle. Why? The security guard told me, that because “we were lucky,” this was the Stripper Showdown episode, and male strippers were going to be running through the aisles. I squeezed into the middle of the row as tight as I could.
4:45- Jerry comes out and greets the crowd. I have to say his Shtick is overplayed, forced, and way too politically incorrect for todays liberal society, but damn does he have it mastered. He came out firing zingers at everyone, calling people fat, gay, and even predicting that this kid from my group would be masterbating to the male strippers later on. He knows his character, reputation, and expectations, and plays to them all perfectly. After a 15 minute “set” of crude, personalized humor, he announces our first segment would be the Star Spangled Stripper.
5:00- A woman, Trinity, wearing high white leather boots, white booty shorts, and an American Flag bra, walks out, does a split, crawls over to the stripper pole, and performs for about 10 minutes. The audience was forced to stand and cheer the entire time. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mind standing and giving moral support to this talented performer, but screaming for 10 minutes straight was really tough. At one point I thought I was done, thought my voice had no more juice left, but then she attached an American flag to her boots, grabbed the pole, threw her legs up in a V above her head, and spun around the pole, with the flag fully extended and waving with the rotation of her body, and I was immediately rejuvenated. Something about naked upside down strippers waving an american flag really gets me going.
5:30- The announcer introduces story #1 and a man comes out and answers Jerry’s sneakily condescending questions for about 5 minutes. Basically this guy cheats on his girlfriend with a stripper, and those three were about to have an intervention.
5:39- Stripper’s weave flies to the left, girlfriend’s weave flies to the right, security guards intervene. This was not fake. For all those Jerry conspiracy theorists out there, these people were not acting. The rage was real. The anger was genuine. The hair was the only thing fake about this fight. After another 10 minutes of scratching and clawing and screaming and Je-rry Je-rry chants, the dust settled, and the three went their separate ways.
5:45- Jerry shmoozes with the crowd some more as the crew sets up story #2. This time he cracks a couple, “cocaine is the only way I can do this job”, and “I’m getting too old and white for this shit” jokes, and the crowd fuckin eats it up.
6:00- A small, innocent looking woman comes and sits in the middle of the stage and explains how she has been sneaking around her boyfriend and getting pole dancing/lap dancing lessons, so she could do a strip PROPOSAL ON THE JERRY SPRINGER SHOW!
6:05- Woman exits, and Roger, a fat guy in dad jeans, a lumberjack shirt, rocking a strong goatee. sits down alone in the middle of the stage, no idea what’s about to happen. Jerry asks him questions about the relationship, the future, and how he feels about marriage. All his answers appeased his girlfriend….
6:06- Blonde women comes back out in a sexy bride costume, and gives the most sensual, sexual, raw, and intense strip show/lap dance I have ever seen in person.
6:15- She sits on his lap and starts ruffling around her bra looking for something…..SHE FORGOT THE RING. Jerry interrupts and says there’s a technical difficulty, and she runs backstage and grabs the ring, sits on his lap, and Jerry starts back up the program. With almost no hesitation, displaying incredible resiliency, the woman starts right back up where she was, grind on Rogers lap, and asks for his chubby hand in marriage. He said yes, but the show was not over. She asked if he wanted to get married right now, he said yes, and out of nowhere, the corner of the stage rises, and a wedding setting appears, complete with wedding arches, flowers, and all.
6:20- They exchanged the corniest of vows, Jerry, with some irrational sense of power, declares them husband and bride and asks them to kiss. They give a big, sexual kiss and walk off the stage into the sunset.
6:30- Story #3 is introduced…a love triangle between the Strip Club DJ, and two of the club’s strippers. He couldn’t choose between the fake and real boobs. He actually referred to that as why he cheated. Anyway, both strippers come out, and immediately start brawling. The older one claims the other doesn’t know stripper etiquette, and should go to the whore house instead. The younger one shouts that no one wants to see her old ass dance, because she isn’t sexy. That’s when shit got real. You don’t tell a stripper that she’s not sexy. The claws came out, the security guards came out, and this situation dissolved. I’d say the younger, fake boobed, girl won the fight, but it was no runaway.
7:00- All the contestants came back out on stage and it was time for the question and answer period. The highlites were 2 elderly black ladies in the crowd flashed their tits for “Jerry beads,” someone in my group praised Roger for giving fat guys hope everywhere, a lesbian asked to “grind, rub, and scissor” with the older stripper, “because that DJ is not giving her the loving she needs,” and some hardo asked to see the fake boobs, and on cue, the stripper abided.
7:30- We’re escorted back out to the waiting room….full of PIZZA. JE-RRY, JE-RRY, JE-RRY chants break out one last time, and we board the bus to go back to Amherst. As we’re boarding, Snowbell and I are the only ones to remember about GirlS #1 and #2. We ask the scary Russian bus driver what happened and he just goes, “2 girls. Emergency Room. Wallets in the bus.” and turns all his attention back to his cigarette.
10:00- Arrive back at Amherst.
If you have the opportunity, go to a live TV broadcast. They almost have it down to a science. They know how to present situations, people, and settings that will produce drama, and good television. Jerry is one sick bastard, but he’s a genius. A legend. JE-RRY, JE-RRY, indeed.