Supreme Court: Ray Rice Beat Fiancé for “Religious Purposes;” Will Play Week 7

Ray-Rice-married.final

Props to @freeoscarpistorius for breaking this story- Ray Rice’s appeal of nine counts of domestic assault has been successful, as the U.S. Supreme Court ruled today in a 7-2 decision that the assault of Janay Rice in the elevator of an Atlantic City nightclub occurred during Rice’s observance of the Buddhist ritual Theravada. Rice, a self-proclaimed born-again-Tibetan Buddhist, was reportedly seen wearing a small yellow “hat”- typically worn by monks in the days leading up to the holiday- during the assault. Chief Justice Roberts explains the ruling in the majority opinion, “Mr. Rice’s first amendment liberties were immediately activated when an escort disrobed a yellow garment that had been covering her legs and placed it promiscuously on Mr. Rice’s head…from that point on he must be legally regarded as a practicing Buddhist.”

Look, I don’t know anything about law or first amendment rights or anything like that. Apparently the videotape that shows Ray bludgeoning his wife with a bedpan also shows him holding a yellow thong above his head before they boarded the elevator, which the court says makes him a devout Buddhist. The 75 pounds of crack cocaine found in Rice’s car were also excused by the court, who cited the principles of Theravada as a “law-less observance, or purge, in which the practicing faithful must experience the mysticism of psychedelic drugs in order to know Allah.”

Again, I’m not one to judge here- I have my doubts about Ray’s religious claims (like everyone else) but as an American I am taught to be tolerant of all rituals. Plus Matthew Berry already has him in his top 5 in standard scoring leagues this week, so you’re crazy if you don’t pick him up and start him against Atlanta’s sub-par run defense.

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