WARNING:

The perfect word for what you are about to read is… absurd. None of these features would be considered by Apple besides #6. I hope there is not a company named ‘Pear’ because I made one up. Lastly, I wrote this piece because I saw how many people were more interested in the release of a phone and watch, than follow all of the other historic events going on right before our eyes.

10) Siri Be Replaced With Georgie

We have all seen the commercials proving that Siri can’t do shit, so I think it is time for a change. So the change Apple should have made to the iPhone 6 is replace Siri with Georgie. We all gave the bland girl voice a chance, but now it is time for the Georgie. The Georgie can perform twice as many functions as Siri and talks like a Charles (See lingo http://www.touchmyculture.com/lingo ).

9) Poops Out Any Food You Google

It’s 2014 and I want my food as quick as possible. TouchMyCulture’s technology division called ‘Pear’ came up with the software that gives your phone the ability to shit out foods that you Google. Let’s be clear here, you can’t Bing search the food and expect the iPhone to shit it out, it only works if you Google it. The iPhone’s digestive system is similar to a human’s, making this a long process. No word yet as to why Apple would not use Pear’s software for the iPhone 6…

8) Hold A Conversation With A Basic Broad ( https://touchmyculture.com/2014/07/09/the-girl-you-shouldnt-date-the-basic-broad/ )

Technology has made it harder for people to hold conversations, especially with a basic broad or bro. So the good folks at ‘Pear’ were eager to create new software for the iPhone 6 that would hold a conversation with a basic broad or basic bro. The software knows every response to what a basic broad or bro would say in any conversation.

7) Self Limits Battery Use And Turns Off When Your Phone Is Culture-Less

Everybody hates charging their phone and supposedly the iPhone 6 has improved battery life but why not improve it even more? Self limiting battery use would detect when your phone does not need to be using battery and only uses battery when your phone is functioning. iPhone’s aren’t cheap, so are you really getting your money’s worth when your phone is using battery even though you aren’t using your phone?

6) Arm Extension Masturbater

We all wish the iPhone 6 had an attachable arm that would do all your masturbating for you. Too many people are suffering from tennis elbow and arthritis so the iPhone6 should lend you a hand. If the iPhone 6 wants to be competitive in the future they will solve this problem.

5) Takes Pictures Of What Your Imagining

Its Apple’s 6th turn time making an iPhone and I still can’t get a picture of what is going on in my head. Have you ever been imagining something that you can’t explain with words? Well this feature would solve that forever. And while I am still in your brain, let’s move on to the next feature…

4) Records Your Dreams

With Inception being such a popular film that caught everybody’s attention about dreams being weird, why can’t we get our dreams on tape? Apple needs to think outside of the box so everybody can remember the 4-6 dreams everybody over the age of 10 has every night. If people remember their dream’s, it will be easier to turn them into realities.

3) Find A Solution to ISIS

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

2) Notify You Every Time A Politician Lies

Because you deserve to know.

 

1) Track Anybody With The Potential To Achieve A Mass Shooting

This will end all the arguments over how to regulate guns and preserve the 2nd Amendment. If they can find my nude pictures, they should be able to find these people…