TMC’s Guide To The Game Of College

August is coming to an end…and we all know what that means; time to go back to school. The Freshmen are nervous to leave Mommy and Daddy. Sophomores are excited to finally escape the bottom of the totem pole which is freshmen year. Juniors are anxious, because junior year marks the very beginning of adulthood. And Seniors are kinda freaking out. Last year of freedom. Last year where they know their duties come to an end. Or they are going to be stuck another year while everybody else graduates. After senior year, there are no more “4 more years” or “only 2 years left.” After senior year, everything seems to be permanent and never-ending.

As an upcoming senior, my big advice to all the underclassmen is to get involved and take chances. Whether it is Greek Life, clubs, organizations, working, blogging, burgahing, do something that you won’t be able to do the rest of your life. College is the time to experiment, because nothing in college is permanent. You will only discover yourself by trying new things. College is about searching for you, and who you are going to be. College is about finding out the things you dislike, as well as those you do like.Whether you go to a school of 2,000 or 20,000, do not let yourself become just a number, either do something to become part of the school or take something with you. Now, I do not mean steal a trophy from school to make it worth it, whether it is a life lesson or school lesson, take that with you and make it worth it. Make the lesson worth learning.

FRESHMEN GUYS

-As you will soon come to realize, you are the scum of the school. Older guys disrespect you, and older girls laugh at you. Here is how you play the game:

1) Be yourself. Trying to join a frat or club? Nobody will want the kid that is trying so hard to be “college”. Do not rely on the frat or club to make your experience, you are the one who makes it with whatever you have. With the right group of friends, any college campus can be memorable.

2) Be aggressive, but controlled. The shy guy never gets the pie as I always say. Want that sophomore fox in your Chem class? Go talk to her. She will be impressed with your balls as a freshman. However, you must remember that you are a freshman, and older girls will automatically be turned off if you act like an experienced know-it-all about your school and social scene. And do not be aggressive like Mikey and ask girls you do not know to sit on your face (oooooo good ol’ Mikey Mush).

3) Freshman girls are nothing to poo poo. Don’t immediately ignore them just because they are freshmen. I know it is tempting to go for the older girl in order to impress your friends or the frat you want to get in, but you will most likely be rejected, and then the freshman girls will then reject you too.

Mikey Mush Side Notes:

  • “If a champion loses 86 times in a row, he picks himself up and wins that 87th time”
  • “Just because there is a goalie, it does not mean you cannot score”
  • “You will never hit the ball, if you do not swing at it”
  • “Winner never quit, quitter never win”
  • “Say no to handjobs and always use protection. The nut and pray is a thing of the past”

4) Girls can be friends too, not just burgahs. During my 3 years of college the most important thing I learned about the college party scene is that you need girls to get into the party. You need girls to get in to the bar sometimes too. This is why freshman guys should find a good group of girl friends, and don’t fuck it up by trying to burgah them. These girls will come in handy; whether it is getting into the party, networking you with other burgahs, being there to drink with when nothing is going on, and even to be on your co-ed intramural softball team.

FRESHMAN GIRLS 

  • As you will soon come to realize, you are the fresh meat of the school. Older girls will be flirting with you to get you into their sorority. Older guys will be flirting with you to get you into their pants. Here is how you play the game:

1) Don’t get with the first guy that says “I live here, want to see the rest of the house?” I get it. He’s so cool, because he’s older and has his own room and doesn’t live in the dorms…but that’s basically the entire senior class. It may be exciting, first getting to school and meeting all these upperclassmen that give you all the attention in the world…but that is how you create a reputation for yourself.

2) Finding your girlfriends is a lot more important than finding a boyfriend. Most likely that boyfriend won’t be around in 4 years, but those girls may be your bridesmaids one day

3) Don’t talk about freshmen 15 all the time. No guy wants to hear about it. If you really are self-conscious about it…go to the gym.

Mikey Mush Side Notes

4) Yes, you do take number 2s and yes, they do smell sometimes. Snap yourself back into reality when you start thinking highly of yourself because you got into the sorority or you’re dating a player on the sports team. Ya, that college resume is going to be fun to tell your kids, but it won’t pay the bills. You are paying for an education, not for the double Ds (Ds as grades and Ds at night)

SOPHOMORE GUYS

Finally not the 1919-2003 Red Sox any more! You’ve gained respect, you still kind of suck, you’ve gained some seniority, and you’ve gained some weight. So here is how to play the game now that you’re (somewhat) respectable:

1) Join/Create a club. Now that sophomore year has come, you are no longer figuring out the ropes of the school. It is time to get involved, to be an active member of the school community. Another year will make you realize that college isn’t all about burgahs and beers, it’s about finding out what you want to do the rest of your life, and a club is a perfect place to start your search.

2) Don’t get locked down by the gourmet freshman burgah. You have finally gained some respect and are no longer laughed at by upperclassmen girls….don’t ruin it by committing to a freshman girl, who is probably just looking to up her “college cred.” There will be plenty of freshman girls wanting your burgah..and who knows..maybe even sophomore girls will be into you now too.

Mikey Mush Side Note:

  • Remind your sophomore girl friends that you are getting freshmen cat like you’re a walking litter. Make them jealous, which in turn gets you more sophomore pleys. Do not name drop, nor number drop. Say, “It’s only October and I’m 5 freshmen girls deep” Girls like when you brag, but not when you name drop.

3) Figure out how to get good grades and party like its 1985 at the same time. I understand, that during freshman year, it is hard to find that right balance between school and pley. Now that you are a sophomore…you should be able to find that balance and get good grades while also getting good burgahs. Getting good grades is pley, because in a couple of years you could be working for that “nerd” who’s getting all As.

SOPHOMORE GIRLS

Your freshman year reputation is now forgotten (But numbers never lie, we multiply by 3), rushing greek life is now over (we wont tell anybody you fingah blasted your sorority sister), so it’s time to really find your place at school…here’s how to play the game:

1) Get involved in your sorority or an on campus organization. Too often girls just stick to their routine of school, gym, Instagram at gym, Netflix, then tweet about Netflix, and repeat. There is nothing sexier than a girl with a plan. Nothing more burgah appetizing than a girl who aspires to make a difference. Nothing more makes me want a side of fries and a medium shake than a girl who makes something happen, and doesn’t just submit to their superiors. Sophomore year is the time to start on your path of change. By senior year you could be the leader of a club, the president of an association, or even the sorority house mom! Don’t be the girl who has got with the whole basketball team (D1 team is the exception, that’s possible NBA money)

2) Don’t settle for that “convenient boy.” Too often I hear girls in sororities say “oh ya well I hooked up with him because his friends are friends with my friends.” or “He’s in Kappa Sig and we pair with them a lot soooo why not??” Give the nice little Jew in ZBT a chance! (just don’t expect anything big out of him) Give the smart kid in your Spanish class a “hows ya burgah?!” (He speaks a different language and probably has job offer waiting) Take a chance on that GDI, I bet he knows a lot more about how to have fun at your school than fraternity sheep.

Mikey Mush Side Note:

  • And even consider the non-fraternized zooter, I bet he will make you laugh.

JUNIOR GUYS

You figured out how to play the game by now. You’re getting good grades, good burgahs, and created great friends and memories. School may seem like a repetitive breeze, but if you’re looking for a new, exciting  experience…here’s how to play the game:

1) Study abroad (Mikey Mush Side Note) and a broad. Go with a friend, go without a friend, who cares. Just go. You will learn more about culture, politics, education, art, travel, communication, and street skills in one week abroad than one year in the classroom.Develop relationships with people who would have never thought about before, perhaps meet a foreign girl, try new things. Junior year is the perfect time to go abroad, as you have finally had one full comfortable year at school, but still can be there for your final year.

Mikey Mush Side Note:

  • Studying one broad abroad could result in more burgah than studying 5 broads here

2) Lock down that gourmet burgah. By this time you have probably had your fair share of burgahs. Many may like being the typical college burgah scene, however many may feel also feel like their college experience could be better. However you feel, I recommend trying a committed relationship. You can learn a lot about yourself, another person, relationships, and burgahing. The worst that can happen is you get some consistent burgah for a while. The best that could happen is that you find an amazing girl who you could possibly spend the rest of your life with. Junior year is the year to give it a shot.

Mikey Mush Side Note:

  • Do not lock down solely for insurance. You will know who is worthy of your combination lock.

3) Do something creative. You most likely rolled with the tides your first two years. Completed your requirements. Went to the weekly meeting for your club or fraternity. Drank too much. Now it is time to start thinking about the future. To start putting things on your resume. To start finding what you love to do. Create a business. Start a blog. Make a club. Find a new position to develop in your fraternity. Whatever it is, junior year is the perfect time to take a chance, you never know what could happen.

Mikey Mush Side Note:

  • There are thousands of people with the same resume as you. Do something that will stand out on yours, and separate you from the sheep.

4) Travel to other schools. Now that you’ve been to every bar, eaten at every restaurant, scene every tourist attraction at your school, it’s time to go see what your friends’ schools have to offer. Get in a plane, carpool, take a bus….it’s worth it to indulge in some new culture.

JUNIOR GIRLS

So you’ve had your way with younger guys and older guys. You’ve created lasting friendships and have accumulated an insane amount of clothes with greek letters/school colors on them. You’ve been to every frat house, bar, party house there is in your college town. Want to spice up the rest of your college life instead of just doing the same old? Here’s how you play the game…

1) Travel abroad. Go with your girl friends, or go with girls you don’t know. I guarantee you come back with a new appreciation for everything you have back at school.

2) By this time you have probably experimented a good amount. Girls, guys, older, younger, ugly, hot, short, fat. Junior year is the time to find that good guy.

Mikey Mush Side Note;

  • Maybe you have not or will not meet the “good guy” at college. And if you don’t me Mr. Right, do not let that ruin you’re school experience. You’re still kinda young.

Give the guy you wouldn’t normally go for a chance. Don’t reject every guy that comes up to you at the party just because he didn’t come with your group of guy friends. Maybe even be aggressive yourself. All I know is that by junior year you know what your guy friends/acquaintances/greek life associates have to offer…maybe it’s time to expand your burgah eyes.

3) Get off social media and start doing something productive. As much as I may despise it, I understand why girls are constantly on social media. Every one of their peers is posting the same picture of their big, so they feel the need to as well. Every one of their peers is tweeting about going to the gym, so they have to show off too. By junior year, you shouldn’t feel the need to be included any more. You should know who your good friends are, and should not feel the need to impress them via social media. Impress them with a new job. Impress them with a new activity to do together. Impress them by creating a new club that they all can join.

4) Travel to other schools. See junior guys #4

SENIOR GUYS 

You know who your boys are. You have a great living situation. You know all there is to know about your school. And now it’s time to start getting serious. If you want to have a cultural year without being overly stressed about the real world…here’s how to play the game:

1) Find an after graduation job quickly, so you don’t have to worry about it the rest of the year. Go to your career services office and get this done. You don’t want to have to worry about what you’re doing with the rest of your life while you should be having the greatest year of your life.

2) Go to the towny bars that you have avoided your first 3 years. Now that you’re 21, you don’t have to stick to the shitty college bars that allow anyone with a piece of paper in. Go to trivia night on Tuesdays. Make a Friday night out of the bar in the town over. Expand your drinking horizons.

3) Find unique experiences with your closest friends. You never know when you’re going to see your boys again. You could all move to different cities and lose touch. That is why it is important to spend as much time with them, and not as much time trying to find that burgah. Do new things with them. Things that you will always remember. Not just play FIFA.

4) Go for that burgah you’ve always wanted. Senior year. Nothing to lose.

Mikey Mush Side Note:

  • Try not to think about all the money you spent on zoots and cheap booze, instead of those loans that piled up the last 4 years. As the great J. Cole once said, “Money comes and goes”.

SENIOR GIRLS

You’ve been around the block. You’ve seen all that there is to see. Frat guys throwing up on other frat guys. Sorority girls pulling other sorority girl’s hair out. 3 am culture at all the local bars. 22 different series’ on Netflix. Want to have an exciting senior year that doesn’t seem like every other year? Here’s how to play the game…

1) Make friends with younger girls. It is fun to have a protegé. Taking another person under your wing, showing them the ropes, and making sure they don’t do anything “Freshman” can make you feel like a better person. You are doing good for the girl, the school, and the future.

2) Go to the parties you always ignored. I bet many girls don’t go to parties because it’s not the cool frat, or their friends aren’t going, or because it’s not a greek life party…well Senior year is the time to not give any fucks. Do what you want to do. Party where you want to party. These parties you’ve never been to could be something completely different from what you have been doing the past 3 years…and that is probably exactly what you need.

3) Get your burgah on! You will never be in this situation again. Your last year with guys you will never see again. No one can judge you after this. Reputations are no longer on the line. Be adventurous. Be aggressive. Be yourself.

Mikey Mush Side Note:

  • Thank all of the gentlemen who bought your drinks, so you now have a little more cash than them to pay your loans back with.

Whatever grade you are going into, the most important thing is to stay true to who you are. Do what you want to do. Go where you want to go. Be friends with people who like you for who you really are. College is about finding yourself, finding friends, and finding what you want to do the rest of your life. Pretending to be somebody else will not help you with any of those things, and most likely interfere with you having a great college experience. College is the best time of your life, so appreciate it, make the most of what you have, and get your culture touched.

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