The Girl You Shouldn’t Date: The Basic Broad

“The Guy You Shouldn’t Date: The Basic Bro” has made its way around the internet, penned by our friend over at Sparkles and Secrets, Mackenzie Newcomb.  She does a very accurate job describing the basic bro, so I thought I’d give a shot at describing the complete opposite of whom I’m trying to date; the basic broad. When speaking with Mackenzie about this article, she made sure I didn’t forget:

“The best part of fall is pumpkin spiced iced coffee btw”

She literally can’t wait to get black out this weekend, because she’s bored of watching Netflix all week. She claims she drinks beer, but we all know she just bought a handle of Poland spring vodka. She says she’s FTB, or she’s one of the guys. She loves drinking, but will never buy one of her own drinks, even though she just instagram’d her meal at the fanciest restaurant around. She’ll only come to the bar if her 3 best friends are going, and if it’s a house party, count on her being tardy. Once she gets to the bar, picture. Once she gets her drink, picture. And once she’s pretending to be blackout, picture. Selfies are her only passion. Her snap stories tend to be pointless. She loves pizza and cigarettes…but only at 2 am.

She won’t leave her house without her designer purse, and at least 1 Tory Burch item. Going to the gym? Makeup applied, booty shorts, and cellphone on hand. She proves she goes to the gym by taking a picture, not by getting a nicer body. She wears heels to the most casual of gatherings and then complains all night about her feet hurting. She checks her hair in every mirror, window, or glass door she passes and then checks again with her cellphone. Bloomies trip once a week is a must. Oh..and she only gets her nails done by Vicky…the amazingggggg Vietnamese Manicurist downtown. Vicky is just the best.

She lives for fraternity parties. Can’t wait to see her Sig Ep boys! But you’ll still hear her complain about frat boys being douches. She gets so into any theme the frat offers, and has a severe case of FOMO if she misses a single party. She could be at her sisters open bar wedding and she still would be worried about the frat party she is missing. She dances in a closed circle with her friends, until an upperclassmen comes there way. She can’t really dance, so she bends over and attempts to sway her hips. She loves the big jug of mixed drink the frat provides, and is so impressed with the maturity of some of the members.

She texts 8 guys at once, but complains she can never find a boyfriend. She plans on meeting up with at least 4 of them at the end of the night, but always ends up just “falling asleep” (Drunk eating in bed with her girls). She hooks up with a boy, but overanalyzes every text message and every move he makes. If the guy says she’s pretty she rejects him, but the guy that didn’t answer her texts gets a quick blow job in the frat basement. She will never make the first move on the guy. She only puts out when she’s drunk, just so she can say…”Its ok..I was drunk.”

She claims to love smoking weed, but has never bought zoots in her lifetime. She loves getting high with her girlfriends and taking snaps of it, but is too embarassed to get high around boys. She doesn’t know how to use a bong, but still lovessss how pretty it is. She claims she’s only eating so much because she’s high…we don’t care! Veggies chips are her “go to” but she really likes Doritos… Please eat! We have the munchies too!

She loves the Celtics, because Rondo is hot and Kim K’s ex is on the team. She loves the Red Sox, because she loves instagramming the sunset at the field. She loves the Patriots, because Brady is so cute. And she hates the Bruins, because they traded away Tyler Seguin, the hottest player like ever.

She is all beauty, no brains. She looks good on paper, but has no real personality. She can’t make a decision to save her life, and relies on the guy to tell her what to do in all situations. She doesn’t know what she wants, so she just does what she thinks people want her to do. She thinks being a pretty hostess or server will lead her to a rich husband, so she can be a housewife and not worry about real world problems. She is a basic broad.

 

Oh I almost forgot…She LOVESSSS BEY

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