Why Team USA Soccer Has a Chance

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Much like USA’s soccer team, I, as a guy, am not at the top of the rankings. Much like USA’s soccer team, I do not catch people’s attention at first glance. Method Man once said, “I’m not an average Joe with an average flow doing average things with average hoes.” Well I’m not Method Man. Most people focus on the bigger, better looking people around me just like the world is focusing on the flashier, more well-known squads in the World Cup. Just because people see the names and players of France, Germany, Argentina, and Brazil does not mean the US isn’t there. It does not mean they cannot win.

My crew at school consists of a bunch of good looking degenerates that like to get good grades while simultaneously being the drunkest people out and getting lots of girls. When we’re out, no one sees me next to “Lee Bear” and thinks “wow Joey scrap is sooo dreamy.” No one sees the top of my head at shoulder level of thesecondbiggestgeech and thinks “that scrap kid is tall dark and handsome.” No girl sees me slugging beers at the pool next to Corn on Ja-cobs and thinks “god I’d love to touch Joey’s six pack” (sorry ladies, I don’t share my beer).

But, every now and then there’s a perfect night. A night where I have the perfect amount of drinks (there’s an 8 drink window between being too sober). A night where I’m in a wet enough environment (my house or boot/palms->see top 4 Tulane). A night where I have just the right amount of overconfidence (see 21 Jump Street drug phase 3). On this one night, I bring home a girl hotter than any of them. This is not by any means the likely thing to happen. This is not how anyone expects it to go down. But, it has before and I’ll be damned if it doesn’t happen a few more times before I graduate.

The USA showed us against Portugal that much like me, put them in a wet enough environment and they can play with the big dogs and get it in. I’m not saying it’s likely. We limped into the round of 16 with a loss. Much like burgahing a fat girl, it’s nothing to write home about, but at least we got our nut. Winning is highly unlikely, but weirder things have happened like Turtle banging Jamie Lynn Siegler in entourage.

But no matter how unlikely it seems…I believe that we will win

 

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