Report: Hernandez Dominating Bristol County Prison Football League

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(WGVR) Sources inside Bristol County State Penitentiary in Dartmouth, Massachusetts say that former New England Patriots tight end Aaron Hernandez is having a “dream season” for his prison yard pick-up football team, Equipo Mexico. Yesterday, facing triple and sometimes quadruple coverage, Hernandez caught 8 balls for 211 yards and 4 touchdowns, all from 16 year-old convicted serial rapist quarterback Junior Perez. On one play, after Hernandez had instructed an on-looking security guard to “eat [his] dick,” Perez found him on a 65-yard deep post route in the end zone. Hernandez then paused for a moment, quickly removed his pants, and began to urinate on the ball. He then celebrated quietly with his teammates as if nothing had happened.

If this doesn’t scream innocence then I don’t know what does. And if I’m Bill Belichick, I’m making my own kid turn himself in for the Odin Lloyd murder because honestly we need this guy. Those numbers don’t lie in any league- and no offense to Junior Perez (who is clearly a very humble young man), he’s not throwing the same spiral as Brady and we all know that. Apparently all Hernandez does in prison is lift and it shows: 35 reps on the bench, 4.3 40-yard dash with no shoes, 154 consecutive push-ups with an HIV positive man on his back, etc. Just incredible.

And they will bring him back. They have to. At this point, it’s merely a question of when.

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