“I can’t even.” – A obvious classic. Look, a simple, “I can’t deal with that right now,” would suffice, but instead, they just settle on the gem that is, “I can’t even.” The only thing you actually “can’t” anymore is be my friend because I don’t think I like you.
“OMG that (insert ridiculously named Starbucks/Marylou’s drink here) I have no words…” – No. We WISH you had no fucking words because if you actually had no words you wouldn’t have said anything.
Following random statements with “Thanks” or “Thank you” – Often you’ll see a status or tweet posted that says something like “Ugh super hungover, need a cheeseburger or a burrito or a pizza right now. Actually, get me one of each, thanks.” Why are you thanking me? Because I can assure you with 100% certainty that I will absolutely not be getting you any of those things today, or probably ever now.
“Like, how?!” or “Like, what?!” – Oh you know, when you see stuff that’s like, “_______ and ________ are getting married? Like, what?????” or “What the heck, everyone is graduating this year???!! Like, how?!?” or “______ is pregnant?!!! Like, HOW?!” Well, it’s simple really.. You see, _____ and _______ are getting married because they’ve been dating for years and are in love and after a while, people get married. And, usually after four years of college, if you do well enough (which most people do) you graduate after your fourth year. ________ is pregnant because she got a hotdog in her muffin and didn’t use a bun. There, the answers to all of your very difficult questions about life. Let me know if I can help you with anything else.
“My mile run turned into a 5 mile run, treating myself to a smoothie lol #hardworkpaysoff” – Look, I think it’s great that you’re keeping in shape and exercising. Everyone should try and make time to exercise, really. But, sorry to burst your bubble, no one really gives a shit if you ran 1 mile or 20, and most definitely no one gives a shit that you got a smoothie too.
“Can’t remember what sober is like” – Wait, so you’re telling me…. You like to get…… drunk?!?!! How fucking unique. You are probably the only person who likes to do this.
“Pretty much describes our relationship…” – Oh, a personal favorite of mine, this is one of the more ridiculous things that you see on a pretty regular basis. Basically, some girl will be throwing up, another one will be laughing hysterically at nothing, another girl will be acting normal and smiling, and another girl will look pissed off and usually, without fail, the caption will read, “Pretty much describes our relationship.” Really think about that, and try to justify how that, in any way, describes anything.