The Bartender Effect

What is it about a woman serving up drinks that makes them so attractive? For years, several scientists (just me and my friends, none of whom are scientists) have studied that very question.

It all started in the spring of 2013, when myself, thesecondbiggestgeach, and my friend, who we will refer to as “corn on Ja-cobs” began attending every single Wednesday happy hour at The Boot, a bar in New Orleans. Thesecondbiggestgeach had class at 8 am on Thursdays. He never missed a hump day and made it to every 8 am on Thursday, cuz after all, we are Student-Drinkers, “student comes first”. Corn on Ja-cobs never missed one either, but that’s cuz the kid can’t sleep without 6 to 25 drinks in his system. The point of this segue (pronounced segway for those of you less literate) into my main point is that this is where the idea of the Hot Bartender came into our lives.

Now don’t get me wrong, Hot Bartender would be a high quality burgah in any setting. But, behind that bar serving me triple beam and cokes, she’s a flat out dime piece. In my opinion she’s so smoking that Don Draper would have to go outside for fresh air. The question that I have been researching all semester by going out as much as possible is this: what is it about standing behind a bar pouring drinks that gives every girl 2 extra points out of 10 on the scale?

The Bartender Effect has been market tested by my group of revered scientists. Several girls we know from school have bartended at different locations throughout our years at college, and the numbers do not lie. Girls get way hotter when they hand me a drink. The number of points added out of 10 may vary based on drinks consumed, height of the bar, what she’s wearing, etc., but its noticeable even for unattractive girls. I’ve seen a girl transform from a 1 week old, half-eaten McDouble to an edible, college cafeteria quality burgah right before my eyes..Simply by stepping behind a bar.

This whole thing makes no sense to me. I honestly would never have noticed the effect if TheSecondBiggestGeach didn’t point it out to me. I am sure there are numerous other defendable answers, but I have one plausible theory to share:

I attend Tulane’s business school, but I am also a psychology minor. My psychology minor has allowed me to read a lot of useless shit in my college career from an assortment of huge Charles pieces. Sigmund Freud has some of the most farfetched theories I have ever heard, but I still respect any man who writes about why it is important to inject yourself with cocaine three times a day.

One of Freud’s whacky theories is that of the Oedipus Complex. The Oedipus Complex was coined by Freud and refers to a subconscious desire of a male child to want his mother in a sexual way. For those of you who have never heard of this theory and think I’m a weirdo, do a little research. This guy Freud is to psychology like Jack Nicklaus, Arnold Palmer, and Tiger Woods are to golf; the guy is a god damn legend. But anyways, if there is any truth to this theory, it may help to explain some of the bartender effect.

When I was a baby, my mother breastfed me every day. My mother then gave me bottles when I stopped breastfeeding. She then set a glass down in front of me every time I ate dinner at home until I left for school. The mother figure is a provider. She was the source of all drinks consumed until a certain age. Bartenders are now the source of approximately 32.6% of the drinks I consume (48.6% natty light at home, 19.8% non-alcoholic beverages and water). Is there any correlation? I cant be sure because according to Freud’s theory this shit is completely subconscious. Like the Oedipus Complex itself, this is only a theory.

I also spoke to a few quista jivels about whether this theory applies to a guy bartending for a girl. Lets just say the conversation was pretty hilarious and the answer was unanimously a yes.

Ladies and Gentleman. Next time you find out about a potential burgah you know working behind a bar, see if you notice any difference. Maybe my friends and I are completely insane. That’s for you to decide.