5. David Letterman

Plans on opening up about his affair with a 14 year-old intern in his new book and I can’t wait.

4. Michael Phelps

The most decorated Jewish Olympian of All-Time (18 gold medals) just announced he’s funding a construction project that will put a pool in the basement of his childhood temple near Baltimore (apparently also announced that he’s coming out of retirement).

3. Drew Barrymore

Has married the Jew in more films than any actress since Jane Fonda, most notably in Fever Pitch and 50 First Dates.

2. Mark Zuckerberg

Founder of Apple, Google, the Internet, etc. stands a mere 5’1, 125. He was bullied and beaten to the ground at least 50 times in elementary school and hasn’t grown since.  What a compelling American success story.

1. Bob Kraft

Owner of the New England Patriots. Has spent exactly 65 cents on free agency since 2001, which includes buying out Drew Bledsoe’s contract and a small pack of Juicy Fruit from CVS.