April 2014 will be the Best TV Month of All Time

I want to say that I’m “super excited” without sounding like the sober gay Asian man laughing uncontrollably at a comedy club. What a month we have ahead. Here are ten to look forward to:

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10. Opening Day at Fenway (4/4)

The last Sox game that anyone cares about until October. 50% of Boston fans think they’re in a Ben Affleck movie and the other 50% hadn’t heard of Koji Uehara until Game 6 of the ALCS.

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9. Game of Thrones Season Premiere (4/2)

Only reason this isn’t further down on the list is because the liberals complained that there wasn’t enough male nudity on the show. Should still be a good episode.

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8. The Verdict of the Oscar Pistorius Trial (4/??)

We all know how this is gonna end: Pistorius is gonna take off his prosthetic legs in front of the jury and cry as they laugh hysterically at his penguin-waddle out of the court room. Did he brutally murder his supermodel girlfriend? Absolutely. But how can you not pity the poor cripple? Mush can’t even walk. Not guilty.

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7. Re-runs of NYPD Blue (4/20)

Has to be the best show to ever air on the networks. Anyone who tells you they didn’t watch it when it aired is lying.

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6. The Final Four (4/5-4/7)

Jim Nantz is a personal friend and everyone loves March Madness. Plus, Kentucky is graduating 5% of its players this year, an all-time high.

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5. Music Video for Jason Mraz’s New Single (4/19)

Literally haven’t met a single person who likes this guy.

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4. The Boston Marathon (4/21)

Have to feel for the Kenyans who are gonna win this thing. No one is gonna care. Everyone is gonna be too busy celebrating the tens of millions that will be raised for the bombing victims. Really good stuff.

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3. BET’s Coverage of Drake’s Baptism (4/1)

Apparently this isn’t an April Fool’s joke? Drake, who was born Jewish, met Pope Francis backstage at a concert in Rome last year and now reads the New Testament before he goes to bed. Go figure.

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2. The Masters (4/10-4/13)

Only reason this isn’t number one is because Tiger isn’t playing.  Augusta National is the closest thing to heaven on Earth.

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1. Wolf Blitzer’s Coverage of the Missing Malaysian Airlines Flight (4/??)

I can’t get enough of this stuff. Your telling me ten billion satellites hovering above earth and a couple two tree Russians who live at the international space station saw nothing? I mean, clearly there has to be some higher power involved here, maybe the Chinese emperor (is Chairman Mao still there?) or maybe God. Anyway, CNN is all over it and Wolf Blitzer is their #1. People only watch the news for sex, violence, and the weather. This story has all three and Wolf covers each in detail.

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