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THE JONAH HILL REGION
Well readers; these have been some of the most difficult decisions of my life. Then again, no one said it would be easy. Let’s dive in.
#1 Chinese vs. #16 Fudgicles
Easy first round match up for the powerhouse that is Chinese Food. Hot? Cold? General Gao? Scallion Pancake? Don’t matter. Fudgicles are only good when you’re 10 years old, its 90 degrees out, and you just played around with a sprinkler for an hour. Ah. To be young.
#9 Yogurt vs. #8 Goldfish
Yogurt is a little too healthy for this list. Like, my mom fucking loves yogurt. Swears by it. And she’s a health nut. This competition is about foods you can munch while sitting on the couch, while watching a Seinfeld marathon. Goldfish.
#5 Pancakes vs. #12 Taquitos
A Moone household favorite, The Taquito, goes up against a tried-and-true American pastime. While I can’t say a stack of buttermilks topped with strawberries doesn’t get my juices going, I’ve had too many amazing experiences with Taquitos to wrong them like this. Microwave for 2 minutes, toaster for 3, and you are good to fucking go. A little mango salsa on the side? ooooooh touch it!!! (PS. Monterey > Jose Ole)
#13 Doritos vs. #4 Jalapeño Poppers
Neither are my favorites. I’m much more of a Lays kinda guy. So I guess I give it to the poppers by default. eh.
#3 Buffalo Wings vs. #14 Strawberries with Nutella
You know the first time a zooter dunked a strawberry in a jar of nutella, he thought he was the smartest person alive. Like he had pretty much ended the cold war with one firm dunk and twist. Unfortunately, that dude was pretty high, and Strawberries with Nutella aren’t that good. And Buffalo Wings are the dankest of the dank. Serious contender. It also brings up the age-old ranch vs. blue cheese debate… but that’s a battle for different day.
#6 Burrito vs. #11 Calzone
I spent hours agonizing on this one. I write down “burrito”, then I remember the last mouth-watering steak ‘n cheese calzone I had. I write “calzone” and I’m afraid guacamole will never let me live it down. I wish these two competitors were in different brackets, but life is full of hard decisions I guess. In the end, I decided that a perfect burrito is truly God’s work. God > Calzones.
#7 Sweet Potato Fries vs. #10 Nachos
Nachos all the way and twice on sunday. Sweet potato fries are good, but personally I’d rather see some regular steak fries (or maybe waffle fries) in the bracket. Sweet potato fries are good for the first 3 pieces, then I just want some good ol fashion salted fries. Nachos with the easy win.
#15 Cheese Puffs vs. PB & J
Simple yet elegant. PB & J are true works of art. Everyone has their own strategy for making ’em. I’m a fan of the 30-60 PB to J ratio, and diagonal cut. Always diagonal cut, that way you get most non-crust surface area. Fuck the crust. Cheese puffs never had a chance.
This is really heating up.
PS. I demolished about 3 bags of chips and a tub of ice cream while making my picks. This is taking a toll on everyone.