5. Steve Williams

Tiger Woods’ caddy, made $5 million in 2006 just for carrying Tiger’s clubs.  Apparently Malaysia is in Australia? If so, odds are that Steve was on that plane.  Let’s all hope.

4. Tupac

A few “up-and-coming rap” sites are trying to say that this is some big conspiracy and Tupac had to have been on that plane.  All I know is that the internet has never lied to me.  Vegas has 12-1 that he wasn’t on it.  I’ll take that any day of the week.

3. The fat chick who stepped on Daggy’s foot

The beached whale that stepped on Daggy’s foot at workcamp in 2009, breaking his toe and sidelining him for the rest of the season, may have also brought the plane down.

2. James Caan

What a douche bag this guy was in Elf though, right?  Treated his son like shit, beat his wife, and refused to sing the Christmas carols at the end.  God, I hope he was on that plane.

1. Mario Balotelli

Malaysian authorities have said that the only confirmed passenger on the missing plane is Balotelli.  Somehow he managed to escape the terrorists and play in AC Milan’s 4-2 loss to Parma this past weekend.  Look, it’s possible that the muslims who took that plane were soccer fans (apparently bin Laden was a Liverpool fan) and just let him leave the island but we may never know for sure.   Kinda reminds me of how Walt just left the island in LOST and was just completely fine.  Never went back and lived a great life.  Hope the same for Balotelli, guy always scores for me in fifa.