The Un-Sung Tragic Hero: Sensitive Guys

TMC is proud to introduce Mark Ogle, a young comedian on the rise. Below is a video of one of his performances along with a cultural article regarding burgahs. He is here to touch your culture, enjoy:

Article By:Mark Ogle

Every guy wants to catch himself a nice burgah. The problem is that some guys are better at it than others. Some guys have the courage to talk to any girl they meet, regardless of how overwhelmingly hot they are. These walking bicep muscles get laid all day, and they don’t even have to make small talk about the movie Sixteen Candles.

Then, there are guys like me. The beta males, the shy guys, the…well, pussies. This is for all my fellow beta males. The guys with decent looks that would see a lot more action if they knew how to approach those tasty well-done burgahs. Here’s the way we look at it: Why go talk to a strange girl at a party when there is a chance of being shut down, when you can just not force the issue? There’s a 100% chance of not getting your feelings hurt, but unfortunately, also a 100% chance of angry masturbation.

I am a hopeless sensitive guy myself, and I’m here to help even though I can’t help myself. I could be a superhero for us sensitive guys. Sensitive Man: He possesses the sadness and love of romantic comedies of 40 ordinary men. I’m painting an exaggerated picture of myself right now. Not literally, I don’t paint I’m not THAT sensitive. But, I am exaggerating. I’ve done fairly well with the ladies in high school…probably because I’m in college. Kidding aside, I’ve done okay through high school and now up to my Junior year of college. The problem is, I can’t go after a nice burgah unless I already know she’s interested. Even then I usually have to have a nice buzz going to work up the courage. Which brings me to my first tip.

Add A Little Sauce To Your Burgah– This is just me trying to be cute with the burgah theme, but getting a little sauced up can really help the sensitive man’s confidence. I’ve gotten some burgahs that were way too tasty for a guy like me. I’ve upgraded to some gourmet, ½ pound, made in-house burgahs, while they’ve downgraded to a store-bought, frozen White Castle burgah. But this store-bought burgah can tell a joke or two sometimes and get it done.

Of course, it’s a dangerous line to be walking. It’s worked to my advantage and has most definitely worked against me. I have certainly offensive-joked myself out of action on countless occasions. One second I’m making cute small talk, the next I’m telling her that 9/11 was an inside job. If you can get a good buzz going and keep your composure, your odds are increasing. But one-night stands are not what us sensitive lads struggle with most, but rather, the forming of relationships.

When You’ve Landed An On-going Burgah, Stay Patient– You’ve done it. You’ve been steadily hooking up with a burgah you really like. But oh no. After a month you’re planning on when you’re going to tell her you love her. She’s enjoying the ride of hooking up and a mutual liking of each other, and you’re off telling friends and family about the relationship that hasn’t even fully formed yet. She may have told a few friends from home about you, and you’re scrap-booking photoshopped pictures of the two of you together because you’ve never even actually taken a picture together.

Now, that last example sounds more like a future sadistic killer rather than a sensitive heartbreak kid, but I’m here to tell you that there is essentially no difference. You’ve got to keep your distance, and not just when you’re shadowing her at the mall to see if she’s with another guy. Kidding aside, when you’ve got that burgah, resist the urge to over-text or call so that you don’t send her running. Because then there will be a lot more nights of drunk-facebooking and watching Crazy Stupid Love yet again.

I’m 21 years old and still have a year and a half remaining in college, which means I’m at a crossroads. I have time to gain some confidence when talking to women and turns things around. Or, I can stay on the road I’m on and become Sensitive Man. At this point, I’m only three days of skipping the gym and two scarves away from becoming him anyway. But fuck it, I like scarves.

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