Ok, so you think you’re getting lucky. You marinated the meat, the grill is heating up, and you know you’re having a tasty, medium-well burgah at the end of the night. All of a sudden something happens, and that burgah is nowhere in sight. It seems as if the propane magically ran out of the grill tank, and you can no longer smell that gourmet burgah. Here is how you probably fucked it up..
1) Insinuating that you know you’re about to get burgah
-You both know that it’s coming, so there’s no need to talk about it. The more you mention it with comments like “So whose house are we ending up at?” and “so should we just have a sleepover?” the more cocky you look and the more she thinks about how she shouldn’t be doing those things with you. Girls don’t like cocky. Just go with the flow of the burgah.
2) Bringing up an ex-burgah
-It shows that you are not over her and you have baggage. Also, girls do not like being compared to an ex-girlfriend.
3) Checking your phone
-Girls are curious about what you could be doing, so thoughts run through their mind, “Could they be waiting for another burgah text?” “Is checking @touchmyculture that much more interesting than me?”
Ok, so lets say you didn’t insinuate anything, you didn’t bring up an ex, and you didn’t check your phone. Now, you throw the burgah on the grill, and have her back at your place, things are getting steamy, and all of a sudden, something happens, and that burgah puts her buns back on, and walks out the door. Here is probably how you fucked it up:
4) Pushing her head down
-If you play your cards right, she’ll do it anyway.
5) Being unprepared
-Always have a condom on you. You never know when a burgah could strike. If you don’t, you look like an ill-equipt, untrained, unqualified Charles. Lastly, obviously, you always need to have spermicidal lube on you too…
6) Undercooking the burgah
-Premature ejaculation. It’s a killer. Think about Rosie O’donnell naked on a cold day, the red sox starting lineup from the ’04 season, or your aunt’s amazing beef brisket, it doesn’t matter, as long as you keep that burgah on the grill.
Ok, so lets say you didn’t force her head down, you came prepared, and you cooked that burgah just right. Now you want to make it a consistent burgah. You think she’d be into it, because you charmed her all night and gave her a gourmet burgah, but all of a sudden, she’s not into you and you never see that burgah again. Here’s probably how you fucked it up:
7) Texted her too much
-Don’t overwhelm her. She wants to hear from you, but not all day and not so quickly.
8) Didn’t text her enough
-You need to find that happy medium. If you try to play it too cool, she’ll lose interest or think you’re a dick.
9) Only texted her after midnight
-Late night sexts are fine, but the proportion to mid-day/evening texts needs to be something around 1: 7 or else you’re old news.
-If you’re not a man of your word, they can’t trust you, and cant trust your burgah.
The list of everything you could do to fuck up a potential burgah is endless, so these are what I believe are the most common. I’ve compiled this list from experience (I’m nowhere near as smooth as my writing), and from the minds of two burgahs who have turned down many suitors because of these reasons. If you find that one burgah that you think would provide many good meals over the course of the semester/year/whatever, then make sure you don’t do these things.
*This list is not guaranteed. It will not work 100% of the time, because nobody has ever figured out the female species.