1. I was suspended from my job last summer for calling a fat 12 year-old female camper, “Tits”.

2. I enjoy living in Chicago, even though it is as cold as Edgar Allan Poe’s dick.

3. Sometimes I ask my girlfriend to call me “Tiger Woods” to arouse me.

4. I had a conversation with Kanye West on New Years Eve. I asked him where the bathroom was.

5. I once showered in a bathing suit at the YMCA because I thought I saw Jerry Sandusky in the locker room.